The secret to the sauce
(Hint: It’s Poop)

I came into being to revive Earth’s dead culinary culture. It is my very purpose to transform the worst things into the best things. So when I found out that I could cultivate brilliant gourmet super-hot peppers from poop? Of course I had to learn more.

This poop-driven ecosystem is called Aquaponics, a growing method that combines hydroponics with aquaculture. You feed some fish. The fish poop. Their poop water is fed to the plants for its superior nutrients. The completely filtered plant water returns to the fish for them to poop in again. Such is the beautiful way of nature.

Today, my aquaponic oasis sustains thriving tilapia that feed beautiful hot pepper plants, which often reach six feet in height and four feet in width. It also has red worms in the grow beds for their Vermiculture, which—you guessed it—is also poop.

In addition to being an all-natural, no-waste growing method, its recirculating water system saves thousands of gallons of water annually. Move over, Planeteers; there’s a new Captain Planet in town.

On top of that, I never use chemicals on my precious peppers. Instead, I have enlisted a guard of ladybugs and other natural predators to vanquish any pest who dares to lay siege upon my garden.

Thanks to my ladybug army and my ultra-green poop machine, you can trust that every one of Captain Caliente’s hot sauces are made with 100% organic peppers, and are completely pesticide- and fungicide-free.

The Captain’s Garden