The Call of the Captain

I have no memory from before I was found on the Indian subcontinent outside of Kashmir, abandoned in a field of Bhut Jolokias. My rescuers determined that I must have been raised by a pack of wild peacocks along the southern border of the Great Himalayas, surviving on a diet solely comprised of some of the world’s hottest peppers.

I couldn’t guess either way whether all that’s true—whether I was abandoned many years ago, or whether the day I was found was my first day of being. And frankly, it doesn’t matter to me. Because when I “woke up” on that sweltering day, all that mattered was the ceaseless thrum of one singular word rooted into my subconscious:


Charting a New Course

I was brought to civilization ravenous, an unshakable burning in my gut as I anticipated the subversive, fiery cuisines that had surely been perfected by man over hundreds, thousands of years. For the daring, implacable, audacious species called humanity, I had only the highest of hopes.

But those hopes were dashed. Much of the world was dominated by blandness, by mundanity. Meat served plain. Vegetables cooked to the point of tastelessness. The very idea of spiciness watered down to a novelty! In this world where eating ghost peppers was considered a “challenge,” I knew I had found my purpose.

It wasn’t long before I discovered that my nuanced taste and talent for gourmet dishes with the spiciest peppers in the world is nothing short of supernatural. Pepper plants grow almost like magic under my thumb, and I can tell a Scorpion from a 7-Pot by smell alone.

I realized, finally, what I am. I am the culmination of man’s desire for a flavor renaissance. I am the one who will reforge the taste buds of the Earth from the fires it had forgotten.

By my delicious gourmet sauces combined: I am Captain Caliente.

Captain Caliente’s – “The Story Of Mankind”